Questions to ask intended parents before a surrogate match

What would comfortable communication look like?

Start with frequency and format. Would everyone prefer text, email, phone calls, or a shared thread? How quickly does each person usually respond? Mention work hours, childcare, time zones, or periods when you put your phone away.

Then try a concrete situation: “If I am at work when you have a question, what would feel like a reasonable way to handle it?” You are looking for an agreement that respects everyone’s needs, not a promise of constant availability.

• What kinds of updates would you value most?
• Would you prefer a scheduled check-in or updates when something changes?
• Who should be included in messages?
• How should we raise a concern that is awkward to put in a text?

Be equally clear about your own preferences. If you enjoy sharing everyday moments but want medical updates to come through a planned channel, say so.

What will stay private, and what might be shared?

Discuss photos, social media, names, location, and announcements before anyone posts. Ask whether intended parents hope to share the process with family, friends, or a public audience. Explain what you are comfortable sharing and which decisions need a separate conversation.

Privacy questions also include your household. Would your children appear in photos? Could relatives contact you directly? Who would explain the relationship to visitors at an appointment? These details can be easy to miss when everyone is focused on a possible match.

You can start conservatively and revisit preferences together. An agreement to share one photo does not need to become a general permission for every future image. Record important preferences in a place everyone can find, and bring any proposed contractual terms to your own lawyer.

How would appointments and decisions be handled?

Ask which appointments intended parents hope to attend and how travel or remote participation might work. Explain any practical limits you already know. The clinic can clarify its own attendance and information-sharing rules, so avoid promising access before those rules are understood.

Medical decisions deserve a separate, supported conversation. ASRM’s ethics guidance recognizes the gestational carrier as the person who consents to their medical care. Discuss expectations with the treating team and independent attorneys rather than trying to resolve complex medical choices in a first match call.

You can still ask how intended parents approach uncertainty and what support they expect from the professional team. “What would we do if we understood a recommendation differently?” is a useful process question. It opens a discussion about how concerns will be handled without asking anyone to predict every decision.

Who helps when ordinary plans stop working?

Talk about support in specific situations: an appointment moves, childcare falls through, travel is delayed, or you need a quieter week. Ask who would coordinate practical arrangements and which costs need to be addressed in the agreement.

If the intended parents are relatives or close friends, do not skip these questions. ASRM’s guidance on family arrangements highlights the importance of protecting a person’s freedom to decide without family pressure. Familiarity can make boundaries harder to say aloud, so give those conversations proper space.

What relationship might everyone want afterward?

Ask what contact after birth could look like, while recognizing that preferences and circumstances may change. Would occasional messages feel comfortable? Are photos, visits, or milestone updates something everyone hopes for? Talk about hopes as hopes, then ask your lawyer how any proposed obligations should be understood.

Give your own recovery and family time a place in the discussion. You may want support and connection while also needing quiet. Ask how everyone would check in without making you responsible for managing every person’s feelings.

After the conversation, write down what felt clear, what remains open, and anything you were reluctant to say. A follow-up call can be more useful than trying to force certainty immediately. Read how to become a surrogate for the wider process, or explore matching through Cove when you are ready for a next step.